TALE OF THE ATTACKING SPIDER

TALE OF THE ATTACKING SPIDER

BY: SHERRY WOODEN, PCV

What you are about to read is based on a TRUE story!!!

Once upon a time there was a Peace Corps Volunteer serving in Acornhoek, South Africa.  The volunteer, Malebo, lived in a two room concrete home.  The walls of the home were concrete, the floor was concrete, and the roof was metal.  The volunteer had weekly phase two assignments to complete for the Peace Corps, so she stayed fairly busy working on the assignments.  Late one evening, as Malebo was lounging on her bed completing her assignments, she thought she saw a bird fly by.  Now, considering that she had left one of her windows open earlier, there was a distinct possibility that a bird did fly by.  It is a common site to see chickens, lizards, birds, etc. in South African homes, because doors and windows are frequently left open because of the sweltering heat.

However, when Malebo turned to look at the wall to the right of her bed, she saw the biggest spider that she had ever seen…this beast was science fiction BIG…easily the size of the palm of her hand!!  So, since Malebo wanted to follow Peace Corps tradition, she did what all prior Peace Corps volunteers have done in the past when faced with such a foreign beast…she jumped off her bed and screamed!!  Now, since the beast had already caught the scent of Malebo’s blood, and since it had been tracking her for some time, it decided to follow its prey.  When Malebo jumped from the bed, the beast jumped from the wall and landed in the middle of her bed, so that it didn’t lose sight of its next tasty meal.  Malebo realized that the beast was coming after her, and also realized that screaming wasn’t going to solve the situation.  Malebo remembered that during Peace Corps Pre Service Training she was taught that she must call Gert (the Peace Corps security master-he knows spider & black mambo Kung-Foo) if she was ever in a dangerous situation.  She reasoned that Gert would know the safety and security protocol for escaping attacking beasts.  She figured that he would advise that everyone in the Acornhoek area would need to quickly go to the safety consolidation point at the mall in Pretoria.

However, Malebo realized that her cell phone was on the other side of the room and she would never be able to reach it before the beast attacked.  Darn the Peace Corps for finding such large rooms for PCV’s to live in.  But just in the nic of time, Malebo remembered that a flip-flop can be used as a weapon…a valuable skill she learned during PST.  So, Malebo grabbed her pink Old Navy (the best type for slaying attacking beasts) flip-flop and the duel began.  Malebo raised the flip-flop high over her head and brought it crashing down on the dreadful body of the attacking beast.  She then stepped back and smiled at her quick thinking, bravery, and quick PCV reflexes.  However, when she was done gloating, she realized that the beast was still alive.  All she had managed to do was irritate the beast, because it then rose up on its back legs and started waving its fangs at her.  Its fangs were the size of snake fangs, and glinted with poison.  Not wanting to be medically separated this early in her service, Malebo struck the beast two more times with her trusty flip-flop.  However, the beast just wouldn’t die.  So, Malebo knocked the beast off the bed onto the concrete floor, and hit it three more times.  The last blow of the flip-flop sent the beast back to its maker.  In its dying breath the beast said, “Awww, I hate PCV’s with their shimmering Old Navy flip-flops and their cunningness learned during PST.”

Malebo looked at the slain beast and felt an air of victory flood over her; she had survived her first attack as a PCV.  However, as she stood gloating at her expertise at slaying the deadly beast, she realized there may be more beasts lurking about.  So, she jumped onto her bed as fast as her PCV reflexes would allow.  She stayed on her bed the rest of the evening completing assignments, but making sure to keep a look out of any other beasts.  Before she turned in at the late PCV hour of 10 pm, she thought she should sweep up the dead carcass of the beast.  However, realizing it was dark and other beasts could be lurking about, she decided to stay on the bed, and sweep it up the next morning.  As Malebo reached to turn off her headlamp and get some well deserved sleep, she saw the rotting body of the beast lying on the floor, illuminated by the pale South African moonlight.  She was startled again by the size of the beast, and by the poison still glistening on its enormous fangs.  Malebo didn’t sleep peacefully that night, because she dreamt of gigantic attacking beasts.  When she awoke the next morning at 6:30 am (late for PCV’s), the first thing she thought of was her battle the previous evening.  She immediately arose to sweep the beast out the door and hopefully out of her mind.  However, after fetching the broom Malebo realized the beast was gone!!  How could this have happened, she was sure she had killed it, because she had to clean it guts from the bottom of her pink flip-flop. 

As Malebo sat on her bed (because the furniture still hadn’t arrived) drinking her delicious South African Frisco instant coffee, she began to realize that the beast’s family had probably collected the dead carcass, and was almost certainly plotting their revenge against her.  She looked around her ridiculously large room, and realized the beast’s family was probably secretly spying on her at that very moment.  She jumped from her bed to call Gert; terrorist beast attacks should defiantly be a reason to plan an emergency evacuation back to the states, or at least to the consolidation point at the Pretoria mall to shop for some new flip-flops with metal spikes!!